Title: Queer Eye for the SG-1
Author: tafkar
Summary: Colonel O'Neill calls in the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to make Teal'c over. It's full of angst, and horror, and hot sex...okay, no it's not. Written for Adina Atl upon her request in the LiveJournal community Fan the Vote.
Category: Crossover
Spoilers: Minor ones through "Wormhole X-Treme", I think.
Rating: PG (for incredibly minor bad language and small double entendres)
Archiving: Sure! Just shoot me an email to let me know where and how and all that stuff.
Disclaimer: I know, it's the dreaded Script Format. Waah. I own neither Stargate nor Queer Eye. Heck, I don't even rent them. I just took them out for coffee, or something. Although if someone can send the Fab Five over to redo me and my house, and then send over Teal'c and Daniel, shirtless, to feed me peeled grapes, that would be OK.
Thanks to: Hakamadare and Deirdre for the beta, and my beloved Quinnclub for the Hammond and for giving me a few much-needed jokes.

 

QUEER EYE FOR THE SG-1

Five fashionably dressed men hop into a black SUV, and start driving.
 
INT: the FabFivemobile
 
TED:
Our straight guy's name is Murray Teal'c.
 
Black-and-white picture of Teal'c. It's almost a mug shot.
 
CARSON:
Ooooo, muscles.
 
TED:
Murray's a military man. It
says here he's...90?
 
THOM:
Must be a typo.
 
CARSON:
Or he's got the kind of surgeon I
would die for.
 
TED:
Anyway, he used to fight for
some sort of militia in another
country. That’s why he’s got the
big scar on his forehead. His wife
died...
 
THOM, KYAN, CARSON, JAI:
Aaaaaaaawwwww...
 
TED:
And he defected and wound up
in a US special forces
organization. He's good at his
job, but his friends say he just
doesn't quite get American culture.
 
JAI:
That's my job.
 
KYAN:
Today’s secret mission is to
FIX THIS MAN UP!
 
CARSON, TED, THOM, JAI:
Sir, yes, sir!
 
EXT: FabFiveMobile
The car roars on. We see it from the outside; somehow, in the course of the conversation, it got from downtown Manhattan to Stargate Command.
 
And now...the THEME SONG! As some chick sings about "all things keep getting better," the Fab Five each pick up their chosen implements of destruction and march down some New York City boulevard that is miraculously free of traffic. Obviously, this is some special Alternate Gay Universe.
 
The guys pull in to Stargate Command, hop out of the SUV, and run down the halls. Their usual background music starts playing...DA da da da da DA da da da da DA da da da...and they crowd around Teal'c's door. Carson knocks. The door opens.
 
CARSON:
We're the Pink Berets, and we're
on a very important mission.
 
Teal'c raises one eyebrow. The Fab Five push into his room and begin going through his stuff.
 
THOM:
(Picks up a candle.)
Did you buy out Pier One's
entire supply of candles?
 
Freeze frame: Tom has a candle to his nose.. Text below: THOM - DESIGN. Film begins moving again. Thom shakes his head.
 
THOM:
This military-meets-ashram look
has just GOT to go. Does this
make sense to you?
 
INT. Closet.
CARSON is wearing one of TEAL’C’s hats. It’s a baseball cap with a slot for a beer can on either side, and straws going down to the mouth – probably bought for TEAL’C by O’NEILL. CARSON, of course, has bottles of Evian in each slot. He pulls a stack of Hawaiian shirts from the closet. Goes through them, throwing each on the floor.
 
CARSON:
Polyester, polyester, polyester,
polyester.
 
Freeze frame: Carson staring in wide-eyed horror at the label on a shirt, with the straws from both sides of the hat in his mouth. Tex t below: CARSON - FASHION. Film begins moving again.
 
CARSON:
Now we know why there's an oil
shortage - it all went into making
Murray's shirts.
 
INT: Bedroom
TED:
(To Teal'c)
Now, I'm told you've never
cooked before.
 
TEAL'C:
I have not.
 
TED:
Have you ever boiled water?
 
TEAL'C:
No. I have not.
 
Freeze frame on Ted's shocked face. Text below: TED - FOOD. Film begins moving again.
 
TED:
Have you ever unwrapped a Pop
Tart?
 
INT: Gate Room
THOM and CARSON carry TEAL'C's bed up the ramp toward the Stargate. The Stargate is doing its whole "wooo, I look like a swimming pool on its side but I'm really a gateway to another dimension" thing. THOM and CARSON throw TEAL'C's bed through the Stargate.
 
CARSON:
(Dusting off hands)
Your taxpayer dollars at work.
 
THOM and CARSON walk back down the ramp, past DANIEL, who looks appalled. Above them, in the CONTROL BOOTH, SAM is at the computer and JACK is standing over her shoulder, smiling. He inclines his head towards the Stargate, which closes.
 
INT: TEAL'C's bathroom.
 
KYAN is looking around.
 
KYAN:
He cleans. I could eat off his tub!
Let's hear it for military discipline.
 
He goes through the cabinets.
 
KYAN:
One bar of Ivory soap?
 
Freeze on Kyan pressing the bar of soap to his forehead with a pained expression. Text below: KYAN - GROOMING. Film begins moving again.
 
KYAN:
Ivory soap is not the Swiss Army
Knife of cleaning products!
 
INT: A corner of TEAL'C's room.
JAI is looking at TEAL’C’s staff weapon.
 
JAI:
What is he, a military majorette?
 
JAI picks up the staff weapon, which is taller than he is, and begins twirling it like a baton. Just as he’s about to hit himself over the head with it…Freeze frame. Text below: JAI - CULTURE. His face is scrunched up, preparing for the blow. Film begins moving again. He whacks himself in the forehead, and while trying to recover, drops the staff weapon, knocking over some candles. A quick burst of energy scorches the wall.
 
JAI:
(Talking to himself):
Oh, crud, oh, crud, Jai, don’t
destroy the straight guy’s
bedroom…
 
INT: A table in the corner of TEAL’C’s room.
 
TED is sitting with THOM and TEAL'C around the table.
 
TED:
So, Murray, let's talk a little bit
about what your goals are.
 
TEAL'C:
Colonel O'Neill has suggested
that I take this opportunity to
familiarize myself with various
aspects of American culture.
He also said that I could learn
how people here show each other
that they are appreciated.
 
THOM:
Well, that's what Colonel O'Neill
thinks. What do YOU
think?
 
 
TEAL'C:
I would like to be able to be able to
blend out with the crowd.
 
JAI enters with KYAN and CARSON.
 
JAI:
Well, first, we're gonna have to
work on your use of the English
language. That's "blend in."
 
TEAL'C:
(Inclining his head)
I look forward to the lesson,
Jai.
 
TED:
You're so polite! My mom
would absolutely love him.
 
CARSON:
(Wearing one of TEAL'C's jackets, which is way too big, yet looks FABulous.)
Yeah. We'll fix THAT by
the end of the day. All right,
boys, if we're going to make
over this mountain of a man,
we've got to get moving! Thom,
Jai, you hold the fort. We're
going out to raid and pillage for
supplies.
(To TEAL'C)
Stand up, soldier! And
MARCH!
(Walking out the door)
Hup two three four, hup two
three four.
 
INT: Hallway
 
CARSON:
(singing)
I don't know but I heard tell
 
KYAN, TED:
I don't know but I heard tell
 
CARSON:
There’s some straight men,
dress like hell
 
KYAN, TED:
There’s some straight men,
dress like hell.
 
KYAN, TED, CARSON and TEAL'C run to the Fabmobile and hop in.
 
EXT: Armani Exchange.
 
TEAL’C is wearing a baseball cap and a safety orange tank top (probably given to him by O’NEILL). CARSON has a blue and white striped Oxford shirt on, sleeves perfectly zhuzhed, and his sunglasses are pushed up on top of his head.
 
CARSON:
(Patting TEAL'C's arm.)
I get first dibs.
(Pausing, squeezes TEALC's arm.)
Oooo, Murray, you work out.
 
TEAL'C
It is important to maintain a
rigorous physical regimen in
order to perform my duties
properly.
 
CARSON:
That's why I do ten laps around
the mall every day.
(Leads TEAL'C through the store)
Now, looking through your
closet, it's apparent that you
aren't afraid of color, but - well,
you know what's different about
shopping here?
 
TEAL'C:
It is significantly more expensive.
 
CARSON:
EXACTLY. But clothes aren’t
just made to cover your body.
They’re also designed to
accentuate your assets, and express
your personality.
(Pulls out a blue-and white patterned shirt.)
For example, someone seeing you
in a shirt like this would never
imagine that you have no sense of
humor.
 
TEAL’C:
Among my people, I am known
as having a tremendous sense of
humor.
 
CARSON:
When you were a little kid, you
were the class cut-up?
 
TEAL’C:
We did not learn to cut people up
until we were somewhat older,
Carson.
 
CARSON:
(Stares at TEAL’C for a moment.Mutters.)
Talk about a straight man.
 
CARSON turns to rack, which has an assortment of clothes.
 
CARSON:
Now, when you pick out clothes,
you’re deciding what you want
other people to think of you.
When you wear your uniform,
you’re sending out a message…
 
He turns around, holding a pair of cream khaki pants and a deep red knit V-neck shirt.
 
CARSON:
And that message is…scary and
intimidating. It seems like you
want to be more approachable
after work.
 
TEAL’C
I wish to be unobtrusive, yet welcoming.
 
CARSON:
(looking TEAL’C over)
Unobtrusive, huh?
(Aside)
Straight people are so weird !
 
Montage.
TEAL’C proceeds to model several different outfits. There are several knit shirts that cling and show off his muscles, all in deep jewel tones, sometimes worn with casual slacks, sometimes with jeans. There’s one muscle shirt, in white, with a funky arty silkscreen. There’s one brightly patterned oxford shirt, well-fitted, tossed on over a knit shirt and tucked in the front of his pants (but not the back). There’s a black blazer in a trendy single-breasted cut. Coordinated with all of these are a series of hats that match the outfits; with the blazer he has a fedora, with the muscle shirt a knit cap.
 
EXT: Armani Exchange
 
CARSON and TEAL’C leave the store. THOM is waiting outside.
 
CARSON:
Now, Thom is gonna take you
out and make your place more of
a home and less of a foxhole.
 
EXT: Recreation Furniture
 
TEAL’C and THOM are jogging into a furniture store. THOM opens the door for TEAL’C and looks for a moment as though he might pass out from exhaustion. Close up on the store’s sign: Recreation Furniture.
 
THOM:
(Breathing heavily)
You’re in pretty good shape, big
fella.
( beat)
When we talked, you said you
wanted to go for something a
little more eclectic, a little more
Middle Eastern feeling, and that’s
something local boutique furniture
stores do better than the big chains.
Reincarnation Furniture has a lot
of great pieces that will give you
a unique flavor without being
overwhelming.
 
They walk through the store. THOM gestures at a reproduction of a carving of Osiris.
 
THOM:
Now, what do you think about
this statue of. . .
( beat )
an Egyptian god?
 
TEAL’C:
(Abruptly and forcefully)
He is Osiris. And I do not like
that particular idol, Thom.
 
THOM:
Too big?
 
TEAL’C:
(Speaking carefully)
I prefer images of Egyptian life
to those of Egyptian deities.
 
THOM:
See, preferences like that are a
great guide to help you decorate
your apartment, so you don’t
get lost in a place like this. Let’s
take a look at a few other things.
 
Montage.
TEAL’C sits on several beds, looks at tables and lamps as THOM questions him. TEAL’C seems to be expressing some specifics about what he does and does not like.
 
THOM:
Okay, I’m going to hand you off
to Kyan.
 
INT: A doctor’s office.
 
KYAN and TEAL’C sit next to each other. KYAN is also wearing a tanktop; the two men are playing a pretty fierce game of Duelling Hot Shoulders and Biceps. Viewers salivate. KYAN speaks in his “I’m talking like I’m in a library to show I’m sensitive to your issues” voice. TEAL’C is not wearing his baseball cap.
 
KYAN:
Now, I understand you’ve had
that scar on your forehead for
quite a long time.
 
TEAL’C:
Yes. It was a symbol of the…
group I fought with.
 
KYAN:
That scar is something that’s
very distinct about you, but I get
the impression from the hats you
wear that it also makes you
uncomfortable.
 
TEAL’C reaches up to touch the brand, then stops just before his fingers brush against it
 
TEAL’C:
It shows very distinctly that I am
very different from other people
here. People who do not know
me often stare.
 
DR. MALCOLM WALSH enters.
 
KYAN:
Dr. Malcolm Walsh is an
excellent plastic surgeon. He's
going to talk to you about your
options.
Montage - DR. WALSH looks over TEAL'C's scar.
 
DR. WALSH:
I've developed a new technique
that uses lasers. I can't get rid of
your scar entirely, but with a
combination of lasers and
silicone sheets, I can reduce it to
a point where it is much more
subtle.
(Off TEALC's face. He looks interested.)
It would take a series of
treatments, but I think you'd see a
big difference.
 
EXT: Your basic Colorado resort town yuppie grocery store.
 
TED:
Now, I understand you've never
really cooked before, so for this
dinner for your friends, most of
the stuff is gonna be catered. But
I wanted you to make something
yourself for dessert, and since
you're a guy who's no stranger to
peril, I thought we'd make
something that has very simple
ingredients, but includes an
element of danger.
 
TEAL'C:
I have heard of your fugu - the
fish that are poisonous if not
prepared properly.
 
TED:
Not THAT dangerous, big guy.
I'm just talking about something
that involves a little bit of fire.
 
They enter the grocery store. TED is talking as fast as a chipmunk on crystal meth (as per usual).
 
TED:
Now, the important thing when
you're making dessert is the
ingredients - they'll make or
break your food.
 
They walk to the ice cream section. TED continues. It's a good thing TEAL'C is a quiet guy.
 
TED:
A lot of people think that vanilla
ice cream is dull, but it's probably
because they've had cheap, fake
vanilla. Real vanilla comes from...
 
TEAL'C:
It is an edible orchid, is it not?
 
TED:
(Actually pausing, for once)
Yes. Exactly! It's one of the
most expensive ingredients in
the world, because it takes three
years to grow one pod. It was also
known as an aphrodisiac to the
Spanish.
 
Thousands of fan girls fantasize about TEAL'C and DANIEL dripping vanilla ice cream on each other and licking it off.
 
TED:
One of the best vanilla ice creams
is actually Bryer's All Natural.
You can taste the vanilla in it.
 
Montage.
TEAL'C and TED look at food. TED talks, and TEAL'C nods in that way he has that makes you think he's taking it all in, but he's actually probably thinking of how he'd defend himself if an attack came from all four sides.
 
EXT: the grocery store
 
JAI is waiting.
 
TED:
Now we're going to walk with
Jai, who has diabolical plans for
you.
 
JAI:
(With a little smile.)
Come on, Murray. Let's walk.
 
The three of them walk down the street and up the stairs to an empty dance studio, where CARSON is waiting.
 
JAI:
Now, Murray, you come from a
culture that is obviously very
different from the one you're in
now.
 
TEAL'C:
Extremely.
 
JAI:
I get that. My family is
(JAI goes into his "downtown" voice and stance)
Puerto Rican, an' you know,
growin' up in da barrio is real
different from
(JAI slips into his "refined" attitude)
interacting with directors and
writers. Each of them requires a
slightly different persona. I'm
the same person inside, but I
change the way I talk a little in
order to make the people around
me more comfortable. Now,
Murray, you're kind of an...
imposing guy.
 
CARSON:
And your small talk is a little too
small...like nonexistent.
 
TEAL'C:
Conversation is useful to impart
information. I do not understand
the purpose of “talking
diminutively.”
 
JAI:
SMALL talk is a way to make
other people feel comfortable,
and also to make them feel like
you care about them. You're
very direct, and while that's good
in a military situation, it can
make people feel a little uneasy
in a social situation. In our
culture, being terse with someone
sends a message that you don't
want them around.
 
TEAL'C:
I had not considered that
possibility.
 
JAI:
Well, there's a few ways you can
change that. You might start by
asking people open-ended
questions about their jobs or
hobbies. Small-talk
conversations are definitely NOT
the place to discuss religion or
politics, 'cause those are topics
that people tend to be both
passionate and divided about.
And…
(JAI gets that “little boy” grin on his face)
Just so you can get in the swing
of things, we thought we’d do a
little role play, which is why
Carson and Ted are here. They’re
going to play different kinds of
people, so you can practice your
small talk.
 
TEAL’C:
(Squaring his shoulders)
I will endeavor to accomplish
this to the best of my abilities,
Jai.
 
CARSON:
You’re supposed to pretend
you’re going to a social event,
not into a pitched battle.
 
JAI:
Let’s start by relaxing a little bit.
Take a deep breath…
 
JAI and TEAL’C take deep breaths.
 
JAI:
Shake out some tension…
 
JAI bounces a little, and shakes his shoulders out. TEAL’C does something similar, but it’s with military precision.
 
JAI:
Okay. The first thing is, when
you go to greet someone, you
should smile.
 
JAI reaches his hand out for a handshake, and smiles.
 
JAI:
Hi, I’m Jai. It’s nice to meet
you! How are you enjoying the
party?
 
TEAL’C smiles back. It looks somewhat menacing.
 
JAI:
Okay, that’s a start. But if I ask
you a question like that, you
should respond, and in a way
that gives the other person an
opening to continue the
conversation. See, conversation
is like playing a game. It’s like I
have the ball, and I throw it to
you. If your answer isn’t
something that I can really
respond to, it’s like you’re not
throwing the ball back to me.
 
TEAL’C:
(Looking just slightly confused)
If my response is incorrect, it is
as if I am holding the ball and
you must take it back by force?
 
JAI:
You got it. Or the person may
decide to find someone else to
play ball with.
 
TEAL’C:
This is all EXTREMELY
interesting.
 
JAI:
So, you ready to practice?
 
TEAL’C gives a brief nod.
 
JAI:
Why don’t you go introduce
yourself to Carson?
 
Montage.
TEAL’C goes between the Fab 3, working on his social skills. The boys, in return, take on different characters, and JAI calls out coaching comments throughout. At one point, TEAL’C even…laughs!
 
JAI:
Okay. I think that’s a good start.
Let’s head home so you can see
what Thom did to your place.
 
On screen: Shot of TEAL’C opening the door to his quarters. Text over: COMING UP
 
TEAL’C:
(Both eyebrows are raised)
Thom, this is most impressive!
 
*****
ADVERTISEMENTS
AD 1
 
INT: Home office.
A pretty woman is going through a sheaf of papers.
 
WOMAN:
I thought starting my own
business would be easy, but I
swear, these people want me to
sign my life away!
 
V.O.:
Having trouble making sense of
contracts? Turn to us for advice.
 
EXT: a sign in front of a large office building reads “Wolfram and Hart”.
 
V.O.:
Wolfram and Hart has branches
in major cities across the globe,
and in more than a dozen
alternate dimensions, to cater to
your every legal need.
 
INT: boardroom. Several young lawyers are grouped around an older, white-haired man – apparently a mentor figure – in an intense discussion.
 
V.O.:
If divorce court, contracts, or
lawsuits are making you feel
like you need to sign your soul
away, look no further than
Wolfram and Hart!
 
Lawyers look up and smile. Wolfram and Hart logo appears, along with a 1-800 number.
 
AD 2
 
EXT: A suburban backyard.
 
A mother is pushing her child on a swing. She turns and faces the camera.
 
WOMAN:
The power company down the
road was putting so many toxins
in the air that my children
couldn’t come out to play. I kept
calling our local officials, but no
one seemed to care. Then
Representative Greg Stillson
started speaking up for me.
 
INT: Greg Stillson’s office.
 
He is on the phone. He looks official.
 
WOMAN (V.O.):
Representative Stillson got that
power company to clean up their
act. He’s done a great job for the
state of Maine, and I know he
could do a great job for our
country.
 
EXT: A park, rugged and rural.
 
Stillson stands in front of a flag.
 
STILLSON:
Our children are the most
important resource we have. I
pledge to do whatever it takes to
protect them. I approved this ad
because we have to protect our
natural resources.
 
He is joined by four children, two boys and two girls, one African-American, one red-haired, one blonde and blue-eyed and one Asian-American.
 
STILLSON:
All of them.
 
Zoom in on flag.
 
Over flag: Stillson for President
 
VO:
Paid for by the Stillson for President committee.
 
AD 3
 
EXT: A mountain road.
 
A very hot sportscar rounds a tight corner on a pine-tree-lined mountain road at high speed.
 
VO:
What you get out of your
vehicle…
 
The car speeds around another corner.
 
VO:
…hinges on what you put into it.
 
The car speeds around yet another corner. The camera zooms in, closer…and then we get a view of the engine.
 
VO:
LexOil’s patented formula keeps
your engine running smoothly,
and protects against wear and tear.
Use it,
 
The car speeds around another curve. This is, apparently, a very curvy road.
 
VO:
and your car will go through
every twist –
 
And yet another curve!
 
VO:
And turn that life throws at you.
Anything less and…
 
A clunking noise. The car slows to a halt. Cut to the driver – only his eyes – going wide.
Screeching noise. Screen goes black. LexOil logo appears.
 
VO:
…who knows what could
happen?
 
AD 4
 
INT: A Chicago apartment, full of geeky toys and the Fab Five.
 
JAI holds an old-fashioned sword, awkwardly.
 
V.O.:
Next week, the Fab Five go to
battle to fix a geeky morgue
attendant.
 
Shot of a slightly plump guy, with shaggy brown hair and a full beard, in a lab coat.
 
V.O.:
But is there anything they can
do…
 
Shot of KYAN, both palms on a bathroom counter, lowering his head as if in grief or defeat.
 
V.O.:
...to bring his DOA fashion
sense…
 
TED and THOM shake their heads sadly over the unnamed, unidentifiable contents of a plate.
 
V.O.:
…back to life?
 
CARSON stands in front of the STRAIGHT GUY’s closet.
 
CARSON:
I see nerdy people. They’re
everywhere!
 
Queer Eye logo and picture
 
V.O.:
Find out on the next Queer Eye.
 
AD 5
 
EXT: A nearly deserted beach.
 
Carribean music plays, but very slowly; it’s almost a dirge. A man is lying on a towel, a white streak of zinc oxide on his nose, wearing a pair of ill-fitting bathing trunks. His eyes are closed. His dog puts its head up, looks around, then drops it down again, looking dejected. The man gropes around for something.
 
CLOSEUP: His hand is reaching for a can of soda. It’s obviously intended to be Coke, even if it is styled differently so as to avoid their ravaging lawyers, possibly hired from one of the less ethical branches of Wolfram and Hart.
 
The dog sees the man reaching for the soda, and looks around again. He sees a cooler at the next beach towel, half open. He runs over, lunges in, and pulls out a can of Blue Sun cola. The can clamped firmly in his teeth, he runs back to his owner and places it in his owner’s hand. His owner cracks open the can with a loud noise, and suddenly…
 
EXT: Same beach, now crowded with beautiful people.
 
It’s a party! The music turns peppy. There’s a volleyball game going on behind him. Three girls in bikini tops and grass skirts hula-dance by. The man on the blanket is now surrounded by beautiful women, all of whom have a can of Blue Sun in one hand. The man grins, and raises a can to his dog, who is being petted by a fourth beautiful woman in a bikini.
 
Long shot of the beach. Logo.
 
V.O.:
Drink Blue Sun. Just drink it.
 
*****
 
Back to the show. It's our "Talk Trash" segment, where they get the victim...er, straight guy's... friends to talk about him in front of a plain white background.
 
O'NEILL:
Teal'c believes in small talk.
(Beat.)
VERY small talk.
 
BRA’TAC
Teal’c is a great warrior, strong
and fiercely loyal.
 
CARTER:
He gets things done without a
lot of chatter.
 
BRA’TAC
But he is sometimes …
(brief pause)
difficult to converse with.
 
O'NEILL:
Microscopic talk.
 
DANIEL:
Well, Teal'c...he's from a very
different culture. They don't see
the need to make people
comfortable through
conversation - their goal when
they converse is to use it as a
means to an end.
 
O'NEILL:
In fact, I think some might call
it subatomic talk.
(Beat. Leans forward.)
It's not detectable by any
technology we currently have.
 
HAMMOND:
I order you to help this soldier.
 
INT: Hallway.
 
CARSON, TED and JAI are leading TEAL'C down the hall. They cover his eyes.
 
CARSON:
Just wait until you see what
Thom did.
 
The door opens. They uncover his eyes. TEAL'C's jaw drops in surprise. Shot of the room. It is done in a somewhat bohemian/Egyptian style. It still has many candles, but has lost the military style in favor of something more Middle Eastern.
 
TEAL’C:
(Both eyebrows are raised.)
Thom, this is most impressive!
 
THOM:
I wanted to take something that
you were interested in and use it
as the basis for the whole room.
The military thing was efficient,
but it didn't look like home.
Besides the candles, there didn't
seem to be much of your
personality here.
 
TEAL'C:
This...this is...I am very surprised.
 
CARSON:
(Patting him on the shoulder)
Murray, you're so emotive it
brings a tear to my eye.
 
THOM:
Since you’re in such a small
space, I tried to make sure
everything did double-duty. I’ve
put some drawers here under
your bed so you can have a place
to store things. And this cabinet
here…
 
He walks over to a cabinet that is in a very dark wood, with a rustic, rough-hewn look. He opens the doors.
 
THOM:
See, you’ve got shelves to put
anything you need to work with,
and then this one pulls out…
 
He pulls.
 
THOM:
And it becomes a desk! You
can just pull this side chair over
so you can work here, and when
you don’t want to work, it’s gone.
 
The camera pans around the room.
 
THOM:
With all the extra space we
created, I squeezed in a table for
you.
 
There’s a low table next to the wall.
 
THOM:
You can pull it out when you
have people over, and fold up
the leaf and put it off to the side
when you don’t need it. I also
got these ottomans – they’re
great for extra seating, and you
can just slide them under the bed
when you don’t need them.
 
And now, the part of the show where the straight guy gets a lecture from each of Our Heroes.
 
INT: The bathroom.
 
KYAN:
It's obvious that you take great
care of yourself. You're in
phenomenal shape, and you're
aging really well. But you're
not going to stay that way
forever. Now would be a good
time to start using product to
keep the tone you have.
 
Pulls out little tubes
 
KYAN:
Now, these are a lot of products
from Kiehl's. They're a very old
skin-care company, and they
make great stuff.
 
Puts the first tube next to the sink.
 
KYAN:
This facial soap is much less
harsh than the Ivory soap you've
been using. It will keep your
face clean without drying out
your skin. You should use it
every morning. The skin on the
top of your head is also a lot
closer in texture to the skin on
your face than to your skin
everywhere else. It’s much
more delicate. You should use
this in the shower to wash your
head, instead of Ivory soap.
 
Puts out the next tube.
 
KYAN:
This is a really light moisturizer.
Put it on after you shave. It will
keep your skin from aging.
 
At this point, TEAL'C looks a little alarmed.
 
KYAN:
It's a pretty easy regimen, and
it's a good way to keep yourself
looking young.
 
INT: TEAL’C’s room.
 
It’s fashion-show time!
 
CARSON:
So, I picked out a bunch of things
that you can wear when you’re
off duty. We saw from looking
through your closet that you
weren’t afraid of color.
 
THOM:
Or polyester.
 
CARSON:
Which I’m terrified of. What
we have here are things in cotton
and linen – things that will
breathe and be a little more
comfortable for you.
 
TEAL’C tries on several outfits. There’s the casual wear of a more traditional muscle shirt (as opposed to a tank top) with jeans and a pair of low brown boots; a blue and white boldly patterned shirt, with sleeves that are appropriately zhuzhed, and white cotton pants; a deep red knit shirt that tightly hugs TEAL’C’s torso, along with some brown tailored pants and shiny loafers.
 
CARSON:
So, see, you’ve still got your
color, but in a way that’s much
more attractive and shows off
your assets.
 
THOM:
I think those jeans really showed
off his “ass-ets”.
CARSON:
Murray, how do you feel about
these outfits?
 
TEAL’C:
They seem comfortable and
sturdy.
(Quickly, off Carson’s annoyed look.)
And very attractive.
 
CARSON:
(patting TEAL’C on the shoulder)
Look! You’ve had your first
lesson in aesthetic appreciation!
 
CUT TO:
 
INT: TEAL’C’s bedroom, a few minutes later.
 
TEAL’C and JAI are sitting on TEAL’C’s bed.
 
JAI:
Now, we did a lot of role-playing
today to learn about things like
small talk and how to make
people feel more comfortable.
It’s something that’s gonna take
a lot of practice before it feels
really natural, though.
 
TEAL’C:
I wish for my companions to feel
more comfortable with me, and
to feel as if I have an interest in
them. I want them to be able to
take their hair off when they are
around me.
 
JAI:
(Smiling)
 
The phrase we use is actually “let
your hair down”. But I brought
you something I think will help
you out with all of this.
 
He picks up two books from the night table.
 
JAI:
This is “Loose Cannons, Red
Herrings and Other Lost
Metaphors”. This other book is
“Heavens to Betsy and Other
Curious Sayings.” It’s by
Charles Funk, who was the
editor of the Funk and Wagnalls
dictionary. Both of them tell you
what all those phrases we use
mean, and it also tells you where
they come from. I think if you
learned where they come from,
they might be easier for you to
remember.
 
TEAL’C:
(Taking the books.)
Thank you, Jai. I will study
these carefully.
INT: A kitchen. Somewhat industrial-looking, probably a smaller kitchen on the base.
 
TEAL’C is standing with TED.
 
TED:
Now, I wanted you to make something for dessert that was simple, but also had an element of danger to it. Bananas
Foster is a traditional New
Orleans dessert, and it’s not
tough to make, but it looks really
impressive. And it involves fire,
which looking around your room
seems to be something that you
like. You ready to try it?
 
TEAL’C:
(Nodding)
I am ready to learn from you, Ted.
 
TED:
Okay, great. What you’re gonna
do is put a quarter stick of butter,
a cup of brown sugar, and a half
teaspoon of cinnamon in this
skillet here.
 
Puts them in.
 
TED:
Next, we put it over low heat.
We’re doing this over the stove,
but when you do it for your
friends, you can use one of those
little Sterno cans that the military
gives you and cook it at the
dining room table. Now, we stir
this until the butter melts and the
sugar dissolves.
 
Pours in fluid from a mysterious bottle.
 
TED:
Next we toss in some of this
banana liqueur we bought earlier,
and toss some bananas into the
pan.
 
He places sliced bananas around the edge of the pan.
 
TED:
After a minute, the banana will
start to turn brown, and that’s
when you want to throw in your
rum. Now, you gotta be careful
with this stuff. If you pour it
outside the pan, you could wind
up with a pretty nasty explosion.
 
TEAL’C:
(Looking impressed)
I was not aware that your culture
cooked with explosives.
 
TED:
Really, it’s just a New Orleans
thing.
 
TEAL’C:
The people of this New Orleans
must be mighty warriors indeed.
 
TED:
I think they’re just too drunk to
realize the danger.
 
TED pours the rum into the pan.
 
TED:
We cook the sauce for a minute
while the rum heats up. Now,
here’s the cool part.
 
TEAL’C leans over the pan, watching.
 
TED:
You’re gonna want to back off
for this.
 
TEAL’C takes a step back. TED tilts the pan a little, and…
 
FOOM! A giant gout of flame leaps up from the pan.
 
TEAL’C rocks back a little on his heels. He is impressed enough that he is raising both eyebrows. He’s having an emotive day.
 
TEAL’C:
That is a dish I will be proud to
prepare.
 
TED:
Glad you like it. Once the fire
goes out, we just use our spatula
to put a couple of bananas on top
of the ice cream here…
 
He puts the bananas on top of pre-prepared dishes of vanilla ice cream.
 
TED:
And then we spoon the sauce
over everything. It’s absolutely
DELICIOUS. It’s not hard to make,
but your friends are gonna be
astounded by it. And speaking of
people we should astound…
 
He turns to call out.
 
TED:
Hey, guys! Get in here!
 
CARSON, THOM, KYAN and JAI enter. TED hands everyone dessert. There is lots of “mmm”ing over the Bananas Foster.
 
TEAL’C:
All of you have given me great
assistance today. I have learned
a great deal about many things,
and I thank you very much for
sharing your knowledge with me.
 
He does a little half-bow.
 
TEAL’C:
I am in your debt.
 
THOM:
Wow, Murray. That was
really…verbose for you!
 
CARSON:
Our little Murray has started
talking. I think I’m gonna cry.
 
TED:
Well, you can do it in the car,
because we need to get moving
if he’s gonna get everything
ready for his friends tonight.
 
Much handshaking of TEAL’C’s grasping-forearm variety and wishing of luck. The Fab 5 depart, and TEAL’C looks around himself for a moment, and squares his shoulders.
 
INT: The Fab Loft.
 
TED has just mixed up some swirly cocktails, and the rest of the boys are entering through the Fab Freight Elevator. The drinks are blue and wavey, and look a bit like the Stargate when it’s active.
 
CARSON:
Let’s see if our little soldier
graduated from Gay Boot Camp.
 
KYAN
That reminds me, who loved his
footwear?
 
JAI and CARSON raise their hands and nod. TED and THOM look at each other and shrug.
 
They settle on the couch to watch TEAL’C on the Fab …okay, on the Very Big TV.
 
TEAL’C is getting undressed and preparing to hop in the shower. The camera gets a shot of him naked, from behind.
 
KYAN:
That man has some very
impressive lats.
 
JAI:
He’s got very impressive
everything. They grow ‘em big
where he came from.
 
TEAL’C comes out of the shower and commits QE Cardinal Sin #8: dry-shaving. The Fab Five groan.
 
THOM:
What is he thinking?
 
CARSON:
Oh, no, Murray, what are you
doing?
 
KYAN:
(Wincing.)
We talked about this.
(To the TV)
Your skin doesn’t care how
macho you are!
 
JAI:
Well, at least he doesn’t have
much hair to shave
 
KYAN:
Still…he does that every day?
He must have some amazing
healing powers for his skin to
look that good.
 
TEAL’C puts on moisturizer.
 
KYAN:
At least he’s using the product.
That’s something.
 
TEAL’C comes out in a towel and begins selecting clothes for the evening.
 
THOM:
Um, Ted, should he be changing
now?
 
TED:
Yeah, it’s OK, as long as he’s
careful. Everything is being
delivered by a catering company
except dessert, and he’s making
that at the table.
 
TEAL’C picks out a blue shirt with greenish-grey textured striping and jeans.
 
CARSON:
Good. That’s a great choice. It
looks a little dressed up, but
casual enough for just a few
friends.
 
Just as TEAL’C meticulously zhuzhes his sleeves, there’s a knock at the door. It’s a soldier, with a delivery of catered food, and some dishes and silverware on a cart, as well as an alcohol burner and a sautee pan.
 
KYAN:
Room service?
 
THOM:
That’s it, boys, I’m. enlisting.
 
TEAL’C sets the table quickly, putting the food on platters and leaving the cart outside. It’s Middle Eastern – a lot of finger food.
 
JAI:
Let’s hear it for military
efficiency.
 
There is a knock at the door. TEAL’C opens it. It’s SAMANTHA CARTER.
 
TEAL’C:
Good evening, Major Carter.
Please, come in.
 
She walks in.
 
CARTER:
(A little awkward.)
Thank you, Teal’c. And thanks
for having us over for dinner.
It’s very…um…nice of you.
And…wow! Your place looks
great!
 
JAI:
(hands folded as if he’s praying, staring avidly at the TV)
Oh, please, say something,
Murray, say something…
 
TEAL’C:
I know you have been working
for several days on the flux
inhibitor you discovered
recently. How has your
research come along?
 
JAI:
(punching his fists in the air)
YES! That is one open-ended
question!
 
CARTER:
Oh! Well, it’s been really
interesting. I’ve been trying to
reverse-engineer it, because the
technology isn’t entirely familiar.
 
CARTER descends into tech-babble.
 
THOM:
Do you understand a word she’s
saying?
 
CARSON:
Does HE understand a word
she’s saying?
 
JAI:
(still staring at the TV)
Guys, it doesn’t matter. He
looks interested, and that’s what
counts. And look at her. She’s
glowing! I bet no one asks her
to talk about her work much.
 
Another knock. It’s DANIEL JACKSON and COLONEL O’NEILL.
 
TEAL’C:
Daniel Jackson. Colonel O’Neill.
Thank you for joining us.
 
O’NEILL:
Yeah, well, free food.
(Looks around)
I like what you’ve done with the
place.
 
DANIEL:
Teal’c, this is really…nice! It
seems really…you. Only…well,
a lot of your personality seems to
be showing through, and that’s
not usually…you.
 
THOM:
You think he’s had a lot of
therapy? Next he’ll be
congratulating Murry on his
actualization skills.
 
CARSON:
He’s cute as a button.
(Off THOM’s look.)
He is! He can drop and give me
twenty, any day.
 
TEAL’C:
I believe it was time for me to
make a change. I had not
realized that one could use one’s
personal appearance or
decoration as an extension of
one’s personality. I feel that the
Fab Five have helped me take
things to the next level.
 
DANIEL looks a little taken aback.
 
JAI:
(thrilled)
He’s been studying that book of
clichés!
 
KYAN:
They are really not used to
seeing him like this. They’re
sort of trying to catch up to the
new Murray.
 
O’NEILL:
See? I told you I didn’t have to
feel guilty for turning him in.
What’s with your sleeves,
Teal’c?
 
TEAL’C
They are
(beat)
zhuzhed.
 
O’NEILL tilts his head and squints one eye.
 
O’NEILL
Carter?
 
CARTER
I don’t…
 
DANIEL
It’s a term for making
something more aesthetically
pleasing or fashionable,
especially popular in the gay
community. It was originally
used to refer to the act of styling
one’s hair, but now it’s used for
any small changes in appearance.
 
O’NEILL, CARTER and TEAL’C look at DANIEL’S sleeves, which are, of course, zhuzhed. O’NEILL gives him a “goddamn metrosexual” look.
 
DANIEL
What?
(beat)
I am the linguist here.
 
CARSON
V.O.
You can’t fool us, sweetie.
 
O’NEILL nods and sweeps his arm towards the table.Everyone sits down for dinner. Montage. It is obvious that things are going well.
 
JAI:
Look at the way he’s drawing
them out! They all seem a little
surprised by it.
 
TED:
And he’s having fun flustering
them. I think he does have a
sense of humor, after all. It’s
just very…subtle.
 
TEAL’C stands up at the end of the table to begin cooking the Bananas Foster.
 
TEAL’C:
Ted advised me to cook a
dessert that was somewhat
dangerous. I would advise you
all to step back from the table.
 
CARTER, O’NEILL and DANIEL take two steps back.
 
THOM:
Uh, how dangerous is this?
 
TED:
Oh, not hugely. I think he’s
enjoying showing off.
 
TEAL’C begins mixing together the ingredients. He stirs in the sugar, the butter and the cinnamon.
 
DANIEL:
(To O’NEILL)
I think the charred salmon
incident is about to fade into
obscurity.
 
TEAL’C pours on the banana liqueur.
 
O’NEILL:
Hey, wild salmon can be deadly.
 
TEAL’C adds the banana slices.
 
DANIEL:
Jack, you threw a line in the
water and fell asleep. Besides,
I’m talking about your “curtain
flambé.”
 
O’NEILL
(Glaring at him across the table)
Daniel.
 
DANIEL:
Jack.
 
O’NEILL:
(Gritting his teeth. Sotto.)
Daniel, not now. We’re here for
Teal’c.
 
JAI:
Hey, guys, don’t they remind
you a little of the characters on
that show,
“Wormhole X-Treme?” There’s
the nerdy guy, the short macho
guy, the smart chick…
 
CARSON:
Yeah, but that makes Murray the
robot.
 
TED
Actually, those two remind me
of my husband and I.

The other four look at him for a moment, thinking about it, and then nod in unison.
 
ZOOM to the TV as TEAL’C pours in the rum. It’s rather a lot more than TED used.
 
TED:
Um, guys? This just got a lot
more dangerous.
 
CARSON:
Oh, no.
 
THOM:
Is he going to light his room on
fire?
 
TED:
Probably not. But it’s a good
thing he’s already bald.
 
JAI:
(Covering his face)
I can’t look.
 
TEAL’C swirls the rum around a few times, and then tilts the pan. FOOOOOOOM! A big fireball shoots up from the pan and disappears in midair.
 
JAI:
(Peeking between his fingers)
Are they OK?
 
With a smile, TEAL’C spoons out the bananas into the bowls of ice cream, and then spoons in the sauce.
 
CARTER:
Wow, Teal’c, I’m going to have
to have dinner with you more
often!
 
The giant TV turns off.
 
KYAN:
He really does know how to
follow orders. The only big
mistake was the dry-shaving
thing, and we didn’t really go
into detail about that.
 
TED:
And there was the thing with the
Bananas Foster…
 
JAI:
I think he might have done that
on purpose.
 
THOM:
You think?
 
JAI:
Well, we talked about how he
seems to like throwing people a
little off-balance. He knew we
were watching. I think that was
for our benefit.
 
CARSON:
That girl he had there seemed
kind of interested, when he
started asking her questions. Do
you think there was a little spark
there?
 
KYAN:
She did say she wanted to have
dinner with him more often – and
I don’t think it was just the food.
 
JAI:
So, what do you guys think?
 
TED, THOM, CARSON, KYAN:
Mission accomplished!
 
Shot of their glasses, all clinking together.
 
END.

 

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